Not Again

Here we go again. Thinking too much into things and over analyzing the living crap out of everything. I hate days like these.
I wanted to find the perfect song for Steve to be his song from me and no matter what I find it is twisted in some way. The music is too hard and he'll never listen to it, or the words are just not right. I also question if I did do something like that for him, would it be appreciated or blown off.
I feel like hell emotionally right now. I feel far away from him. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it's because I have been on the computer so damn much. I don't know.
I feel that if I am out in the garage helping him, i just mess something up. So it just seems better to stay out of the way. I don't know.
I dread everytime his ex texts.
I don't want to face tomorrow.
Am I reading too much into things? I don't know what to think anymore.

Unwell - Matchbox20

All day starin' at the ceilin' makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices tellin' me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'
Hold on, feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I'm talkin' to myself in public, dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' about me
I can hear them whisper, and it makes me think
There must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin', somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be, how I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Matchbox Twenty - Unwell (Video)

Beautiful Disaster :)

This is my song to my beloved Steve.

Easy - R.C.P.M.

I don't smoke no more, but I'll smoke with you.
I don't drink no more, so let's just have one or two.
But I don't know how you got through security,
or picked all my locks by being so low key,
and I've never been easy, but I'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you.

I don't think much, but i can't stop thinking about you
I don't know much, but now i know that no one else will do
I don't know how you got through security,
or picked all my locks by being so low key,
and i've never been easy, but i'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you.

Baby what am I up to, getting back into?
Another thing I said I'd never do... what new?

Well I don't smoke no more, but I'll smoke with you.
I don't drink no more, so let's just sit down and have a few.
I don't think much, but I can't stop thinking about you.
I don't know much, but now I know that no one else will do.
I don't know how you got through security,
or picked all my locks by being so low key,
and I've never been easy, but I'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you.
I'll be easy for you. I'll be easy baby, let me be easy for you...



He means so much to me. I love him forever.

I Love Him

Today I went with my fiancee Steve to buy him a new amp for his car. I love being with him. Even when he is not in the best of moods.
Last night Steve's Mom caught me in the kitchen and she told me that they really enjoy having me around and she can tell Steve is happier. I am glad that I make Steve happy. He makes me happy too.
It's not like when we were living in Utah. It's happier.
I love him so much. I am so glad to be back in his life and have him be in my life. He means a lot to me. I am really going to miss him when he goes back to work.
I love him. And that is all that matters.

Mexico

I just got back from going to Mexico to see Roger Clyne at the January Jam. I had a real good time. It was at JJ's Cantina. We had side stage passes and we video taped some of the concert. I never imagined that I would ever make it to a concert of his. It was the best concert I have ever been to.
It was the first time I had ever been to Mexico and I was pretty nervous. Cause I had always heard nothing but bad about Mexico. It was really pretty where we were at and peaceful. I spent most of one morning watching the tide slowly come in.
We stayed at Steve's Mom's place near Rocky Point. It was on the beach and Steve and Steve and I went for walks on the beach at night with the full moon. Which was pretty romantic.
I think it was good for me and Steve to go. I think it helped us get even closer. I really love him and I feel like such a heel for writing in here what I did. We were both to blame for what happened when we lived together in Utah.
I have come to know him better than I did before, and have grown to love him more than I did in Utah. I mean I thought I loved him then, but now I KNOW I love him.
I think though, that when i first got here we were both sort of scared to meet up again, much less me moving here. Neither one of us was as we remembered each other. So it made us both wonder at first what we had done. But we hung in there and we have come to love each other even more.
He has helped me start to come out of my shell and be myself again. Instead of the drugged up zombie that I was. He has all my trust. I just wish I could bring myself to talk alittle more. Sometimes I wonder if that annoys him. Even though he has said it doesn't. Sometimes it annoys me cause I would like to but my brain draws a blank.
I feel bad that I made him hurt so bad. I didn't fully understand how much he missed me till I came here. Sometimes I still wonder why he pined away for me so bad. I don't feel like I deserve to have someone like him after the way I behaved.
But I am glad that he never walked away from me totally. He has taken really good care of me. He has such a good heart. God and while he was pining away for me I was drinking and acting like a tramp. Yes, I said it. A tramp. A drunken one at that. I am ashamed of it. Now I worry about scaring him away or hurting him.
I miss sitting on the beach with him at night. Already and we just got back.