I Don't Know........

This past year has been such a hell-ride that is it isn't even funny!

In and out of the hospital twice! Men who can't stand the heat! Save for one......

Getting blamed by some poor dweeb for the natural reactions of his body.... F*@#!$%^#)*&$!!!!!! Only to be followed by me having to call the cops just to get an ex to LEAVE ME ALONE!

And then my family..... Holy crap! I have come to the realization that we all are a bit tetchy. And we are all our own individuals.

Karma is paying my ex-husband a visit. Everyone says I should be happy, but how can you find joy in another's sorrow?

And then people who say something and then never follow through........ UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just don't know...............

My Crow

Soft footfalls echo on the dark staircase.

Making their path through the night towards the door.

Gently they pause on the tiled floor.

Listening, listening.......

No noise from the upper floor comes that would warn her of
a watchful eye.

A soft click of the knob and she slips gently into the welcoming
arms of the night.

She pauses momentarily on the porch. The orange light from the street
lamp illuminates her face as she looks to the clouded darkness above.

Dark, wet streaks run from her dark eyes to her small chin. She wipes them away with a flurry of movement. Reminds herself that she cannot be seen. No need to hide.

She sets out towards the street. The cold autumn air swirling around her and enveloping every movement.

Heartache following each step.

Each step faster than the one before. She advances into the cold night.
The cold a welcomed distraction from what had came before.

She stops. The sound of wings beating through the night sky startles her into stillness and causes her to look into the skeletal branches of the tree in front of her where the sound came to a stop.

A swirl a blackness and before her on a branch is perched a large black crow.

Both entities eying one another.

Just then, a deep gentle voice emanates from the still form of the crow.

"You know who I am and why I have come."

As the sentence came to a close, a shot rang out and fire burned through her fragile body.

She was falling then swiftly caught up upon the wings of the crow whom had left the tree in a flurry of black to catch her fall.

To her disbelief, as she was lifted high into the darkness of night, she saw her still form lying broken on wet pavement below. Bathed in the orange glow from the streetlamp. Darkness pooling around her lifeless head.

Away her soul is carried upon the wings of the crow only to return. To bring forth vengeance upon those who destroyed her and those she loved.

The Haunted

All is quiet,
All is dark.

The swish of my white nightgown
Is what haunts these blackened halls.

I am all that is left-
I am that which remains to be unseen

There are no ghosts,
Only I.

Only you.....

It seems to be,
The only poltergeist is me.

Running up and down the stairs
Rearranging all your chairs.

A billowy white mass floating in darkness.

Yet emits no lights of it's own
Only a reflection of muted white.

CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!

You never saw me while in the flesh....

Now I roam through every dark room.

Death came to late to save this muted angel.

Forever shall I roam and haunt your every move,
For your lies, I shall prove.....

J.A. Clark

That is my story folks.......

Holy crumb cakes Batman!

I swear! To live my life you have to be able to laugh!
Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

I get my FIRST EVER speeding ticket and less than a week later.......... SOMEONE REAR-ENDS ME!!!!!! ON MY WAY HOME FROM AN APPOINTMENT WITH A PSYCHIATRIST!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN..................

I read my horoscope late at night and it tells me that, that day was a good and positive one! Only to be told that the next day was going to SUCK!!!!!!

THEN....................

I am walking around at the store and I feel this cramping and (Oh crap! Do I dare mention this??!!??!!??????), I feel LEAKING like as if I was losing my bladder control! And I think that this must be crazy! How can I? I'm not THAT old! Or else when I fell down the stairs Sunday must have jarred me much more than I thought!
Well I get home and LO AND BEHOLD............... It's Me Monthly Friend come calling.....

Crap...

Now I have to go see my counselor only to be told by her, I am sure, how much more my WHOLE life sucks...... And leave there feeling even more depressed than when I arrived. UGH!

So you see my friends, when you live my life; you need to be able to laugh... :D

Some Songs I really like

The Kill (Bury Me)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qF1wZQzpeKA


Attack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auSzvi_JSdE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXgDg2S65YQ

SHATTERED

I don't know where to begin. I don't even know where it will end.
Shattered.
One mirror, broken.
God a crack formed there when I was 7.
Look at how it branched.
2 becoming 4, becoming 8, becoming16, becoming....Too many to count.
Each time a fracture forms
My ears are pierced with the screech of the glass separating.
Till finally
CRACK!
Another piece
Who are you now? What do you remember?
Remember that? Forget it! Shove it!
It never happened.
Only SHE remembers!
It's all her fault!
CRACK!
Floating, can't feel a thing.
Guess it's better that way.
CRACK!
Who said that..........

For the love of crying in the mud.....

Talk about wanting to be sedated..... UGH!
STRESS! STRESS! STRESS!
Interesting new chapter in life... Or rather revisited...
I just started dating again and I am already tired of it. The wondering the questions, the games, the misunderstandings, and the let downs.....
Maybe I just don't find it as enticing as I use to. I don't know.
I know I am a very interesting person. I just happen to find people that are just as opinionated as I am and then I back down. Maybe they do the same thing.
I did receive a very sweet poem from someone and I don't know who they are but here it is. (I also want to save it for myself.)

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
Which I gaze on so fondly to-day,
Were to change by to-morrow, and fleet in my arms,
Live fairy-gifts fading away,
Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
Let thy loveliness fade as it will,
And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
Would entwine itself verdantly still.

It is not while beauty and youth are thine own,
And thy cheeks unprofaned by a tear,
That the fervor and faith of a soul may be known,
To which time will but make thee more dear!
No, the heart that has truly loved never forgets,
But as truly loves on to the close,
As the sunflower turns on her god when he sets
The same look which she turned when he rose!

I don't know if the person who sent it had originally wrote it or if it was originally written by someone else, it doesn't really matter to me cause I appreciate it. So to whomever he is, thank you.
Having had a bloody feeding-tube doesn't do much for your self-esteem. Of which I do not have anymore.
I think I going to put the dating thing on the side and get my butt back in school and get my life going again now that I have returned to some sort of normalcy, (whatever that may be).
Maybe not...
I! DON'T! KNOW!
Ehh.... Just go with the flow... :)
I know that he is here already inside my heart, and that I am with him.

Oh boy..... Maybe I should be worried about this... :)

Yesterday my daughter started second grade yesterday. She was so excited to start school. I am so proud of my little girl. She is growing up so fast. I so enjoy the time that we get to spend together.
I have a loot to say about religion, as you can tell. And there is one thing that really irks me about the majority of most religions. That is that they all claim to be the one, only true way; and one, only true church...... Yes, even some Pagan groups can be thrown into this batch.
I don't see why that all matters when we are all heading in the same direction no matter what path we take.
Then on top of that, how could we delude ourselves into fighting religious wars all in the name of God. Since we are all God's creations, do you really think that He/She is happy to see us spilling each others blood, taking lives; all in His/Her name? Truly, I do not believe that at all.
That is one of the reasons why I cannot stand by one religion alone. They all have parts of the truth. Yet, there is also science that you need to include there. Science is a part of God and doesn't go against any religion. It is simply us trying to understand how God creating everything.
Also, (this can be backed up by quantum physics), when you reduce everything down to the level beyond atoms, everything is made up of energy. You can never destroy energy.
We are made up of energy just like everything else that you see around you. Not only that, but we, our bodies, are made up of the same stuff that is found in stars, in the planets, in the universe.....
So it would seem to be that since at the basis of everything is energy. Even our thoughts are energy and we can use those thoughts to change that energy. There by comes the term that we create our own destiny/lives.
Also it is the same basic thing that happens when your pray, chant, cast spells. Same basis, yet different modes of operation.
Yes I do still believe in God and Christ and the Holy Spirit.
I fell though, that there is a type of awakening going on. Or maybe it is just some particular souls who are experiencing this now and are instruments to help mankind to better themselves and to assist them in coming to understand more about God.
I once had a similar conversation with a friend and we came to the conclusion at the tiem that maybe there are angels who have been born here and are helping this movement/awakening along. I haven't come to any serious conclusions yet on that one.
Who knows...
What I do know also, is that what ever seems impossible , is possible. And what we can achieve is limitless.
These findings also back up the "Three Fold Law". That whatever it is that you send out by actions, intentions, and thoughts, comes back to three times as what you sent out. For positive or negative.
Also it shows that we are capable of manifesting what our dearest desires are. Well, within reason. Like I don't think we would want to raise the dead per say.........
I think this one saying, "As above, so below. As within, so with out." Sums up a lot of it also.
Also, I still love the Wiccan creed, "An Ye Harm None, Do As Ye Will." It's a good think to keep in mind.

Inner Truths

Alright let me sum up the past couple of weeks.
After attending Mass and watching Daily Mass on EWTN I noticed that this huge void started filling the center of my being and feeling of fear, dread, and anger started to permeate my whole being. It was quite literally like there was something darker pulling me back away from the Catholic church.
I began to fear what my family would think of me, fear that they would hate me and persecute me. Feelings of guilt for haven't done something wrong, of which I hadn't.
So I didn't go the next weekend.... Yes, interestingly enough the expected outcome happened. It subsided.
I went to the LDS church with my Mom today and was rather disappointed. Majority of it was nothing but about the pioneers. Only a little was said that had to deal with Christ.
The sacrament isn't taken anywhere nearly as seriously as it should be. It is the body and blood of Christ and yet it is treated like it is nothing.
No, I didn't take part of it.
Now my Mom feels bad because she felt that church went badly and now I won't want to go.
Well, if I don't it won't be based on how well it all went.
I didn't find Christ there at all. Yes I will still go with my Mom. Yet I don't think that is where I truly want to be. So the jury is still out on a suitable outcome for that.
Other news... I have been once again watching a lot of stuff on astronomy and paranormal stuff.
I can't stand watching any other paranormal shows that are ghost hunting except for Ghost Hunters. They had the most credible evidence. Not just some psychic who is "feeling" something. I am not saying all psychics are frauds cause then I would be calling myself one. (I am an empath and clairvoyant.)
And once again contemplating such things as what will happen when the Sun dies. When I contemplate that, it really makes it not seems so important what kind of car you've got, clothes you wear, or what you've got. It is all impermanent. The stars, our sun, the planets all have a life cycle just like we do. We are all born, live and then pass on.
Then to think when I look at the sky, that when the Sun becomes a red giant, it will take up 1/4 of the sky.
I've been reading the book "The Secret". I definitely recommend it as an interesting and useful read.
I finished reading The Host and that was a very interesting book. Mainly in part of the fact that you see everything through the eyes of the the alien species instead of the just fear crazed humans.
All of this leads me to wonder when are as a species ever going to let ourselves rise above all the fear, anger, and hate. When are we going to finally realize that there is so much more to everything than just what we can see.
I am a firm believer in the fact that knowledge is power. Knowledge also leads one to make informed decisions and to think for oneself.
It also leads to one having a more open mind and heart.
Lately I have also been taking time to lift my mood by saying thank you for so many things that I do have. My strength, my health, my hands, my eyes, my voice, music, my daughter, mother, family, and many more things.
God is beyond so much more than what we can possibly comprehend and the say that one religion has got it right is plain ignorance.

Either it's coincedence or.........?

Yesterday I went to the Vigil Mass at St. Rose of Lima Catholic church.
When I first walked into the chapel, my eyes went directly to the crucifix which was directly in front of me as I entered, and I instantly felt this peace, and a sense of awe. I felt as though even though I was walking and moving forward; I felt the Spirit pulling me forward. I felt the gentleness, truth, peace, and love, of the Lord Our God within and without of my self. I truly felt like I belonged there and that I was home.
(I also found out that Fr. Michael R. Sciumbato had been moved there. He is the one who taught the RCIA classes I took, and also was the one who baptized, and confirmed me, and First Communion! Interesting......)
Since I had been inactive with the church for some time I lost track of what the season was and all of that.
WELL!
It just happened to be the Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul, Apostles. (St. Peter was the first Pope, and St. Paul was the evangelical/missionary part.)
This also happens to be the Jubilee Year in honor of St. Paul. And part of the message to all Catholics was one basically of reaching out to those who have stopped attending church for one reason or another and to encourage them to come back. Also, to spread the Good News of Jesus Christ to others.
It also was the day I came back.... The Lost Sheep per se. Coincidence?? Or not?
I am leaning toward not at the moment.
As I was heading home afterward I felt such peace and calm in my soul. I felt like my soul had been starving for that and was now fed.
The Catholic church hold a very special place in my heart and I know that will always be there.
Next week, we are going to go with my Mom to the LDS church... Keep in mind, I was raised LDS... I have quite a few disagreements with that religion.

Okay... So my daughter is off with her dad this weekend.
Sometimes it irks me to let him have the weekend with her, but I am not about to begrudge my daughter of having time with her father. I miss her right now. The house gets quieter when she is away.
I saw my therapist today. And we discussed how I tend to wait to do anything on my own cause I have tended to wait for someone to say it is ok. Or acceptable.
And right now I have am immense to exercise my individual rights as the intelligent, sentient, being that I am.
I always lived with this mis concept that I was subjugated to what other wanted me to be, or think, or feel. Which contributed to my not really knowing WHO I was. Now it is all coming out. The truth of who I am.
I find myself embracing it with open arms, an open mind and heart and soul. Embracing who I truly am and living that truth, instead of being and doing what others say.
I am so looking forward to being able to go into a relationship now with this new found strength and self awareness. So that I will be that strong, faithful, honest, loving, devoted wife and partner for my husband to be, as he will be for me. I feel that I am ready to open myself to this now.
More so I have opened myself to God. And making improvements with my relationship with God.
I still have the streak in my soul that wants to run and dance out in the moon and star light.
Looks like there is my next step. To integrate all three.

Religion and My Beliefs

Yesterday I saw my therapist. I discussed with her about things going on with my Mom and my daughter. Then we got on something that had been perplexing me..... religion.
I was born and raised LDS. Later in life I searched out various religions. Including Wicca.
Then after seeing a documentary on Pope John Paul II, I was compelled that, that was the way to go. I was in awe of what her had done through out his life. So I attended classes and was baptized Catholic.
Right now I am torn between which way do I go? LDS, of which all my family is; or Catholic. My family does know that I was baptized Catholic. The ward that my Mom belongs to is a sincerely friendly ward and they have helped her out so much since my Father passed away.
It was after he passed that I was baptized.
For me the Catholic church felt like home to me in a different perspective. I enjoyed going to Mass, yet because of illness and family issues I had stopped attending. I desire to go back and learn more.
I have always let others dictate what I do in my life. So I am going to take the reigns in my hands and do what it is I feel is the way for me.
My therapist says that I should do what is "convenient" and just go with my Mom. To me that says that I am once again letting others decide for me.
How I feel about God and religion personally is that God is a Being that is so great that we can't comprehend how great God is. I believe that God is neither male or female cause God doesn't have a physical body. Yet God encompasses both energies.
I also believe that we all believe in the same God yet forming different ideologies and faith around different fascists of God.
Kind of like with me. I can act and look one way one day and completely different the next, but I am still the same being that I am.
And Catholicism comes the closest to that belief. So I guess the decision is rather clear.
I also don't believe that God has any need for a human body. Why would the Creator of everything need human genitalia when God can create anything.... ANYTHING! Plus if God had a human body God would become limited and God is not.
So there is it is..... This weekend I am going to be going to attend Mass, and go from there. I have one concern though. My Mom. I feel that if I don't do as she wished that I will hurt her and she will be disappointed in me.