Today was a little better than the past couple of days.
I eased up on worrying so much over Steve's health issues. That relieved some stress. I guess i need to just take the ques from him.
I spent some time talking with his Mom today. I am going to make a bracelet for her out of some beads she brought back from Mexico. She also wants to show me some pictures of Steve. She said she wanted to run them past him first. He and I, think that if it is some pictures from when he was a child, then there should be no reason for her to have to worry about that. So, as usual..... My mind goes straight to what if they are pics of him and his ex! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THOSE!
I enjoy talking with her though. She is really nice.
I don't talk much to Dave. Mostly because i am kinda shy. He is the exact same age as my Father would be if he was still alive.
I am still having trouble with missing Maddie. I wish I could hug her. And be there to read her a story at bedtime. (Dank meiner Mammas, Ich werde nicht ist zu überhaupt wiederholen das in der Lage. : ( )
I have certain songs that remind me of her. She use to always ask me to play "Hitchin'n A Ride" by Green Day. She loved that song. I don't know why. Although when she was younger, I use to listen to Green Day a lot. Every time I listen to Presidents Of The United States Of America, I always think about how when she was a baby (about 1-3 months old), I use to play their first cd on low to put her to sleep. I listened to that a lot when i was pregnant with her.
When I think about when i was pregnant with her, I remember how when i first found out I pregnant, I knew inside that i was having a girl.
It's kind of funny. My first pregnancy with my son, I never felt that way. I think it had to do a lot with my whole situation of being in Seattle and who I was with. I was living in fear quite a bit. Kind of sad, that.
I have had to always walk alone and face/fight this world alone. (And I always had screwed up or twisted ways of dealing with the world....) Now Steve stands besides me. He's my best friend. Among other things. ;) Someday Steve and I will be on our feet again. I know we will.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Take A Deep Breath....... It's Only Just Begun........
Gestern Abend sprach Steve mit mir und erklärte mir, dass er ungefähr gleiche Sachen sorgte, dass ich ungefähr gesorgt. Im Augenblick gewesen ich also betroffen mit seinem körperlichen Problem und stark beansprucht mein Gehirn mit dem Versuchen zu helfen und soviel wie kann mich zu verstehen. Ich komme zum Punkt, in dem ich bereit bin, meine Hände oben zu werfen und mit dem Fluss gerade zu gehen. Ich denke, dass was es nehmen wird, ist, seinen Verstand zu erleichtern, erhalten den Dachboden Sorgfalt von genommen; weggehen Sie von etwas Material, und seien Sie as emotionaler vorhanden und BILDEN Sie Zeit, mit einander emotional vertraut zu sein. Manchmal wundere ich, wenn ich zu viele Nachfragen auf Steve emotional stelle. Ich hasse ohne ihn schlafen gehen. Und ich wundere, wenn der auf seinem Verstand spielt. Dann erhielt ich eine Abbildung von Maddie. Es bildete mich Schreiursache, die ich schwören könnte, dass ich die Schmerz in ihren Augen sah. Sie gerade didn' t haben das gleiche Lächeln, das ich weiß. Ich habe einen sehr großen den Mund aufsperrenden Einfluss in meinem Herzen, weil ich von ihr weit entfernt bin. Und ich bin so besorgt über, was an in ihr Leben geht und WAS meinem mit dem Therapeuten weitergeht. Dann gerade jetzt wundernd, was, an meine Mamma zu denken und die vollständige Situation. Wenn es alle Spiele, heraus, welches die Weise, der ich sie denke, wird, werde ich mit Zorn, Animosität, Groll gefüllt werden, und total kalt gerade geworden werden. Ich habe die schwere Zeit, die ganze dieses in einem Zug zu behandeln. Täglich, wenn ich mich aufstehe, sind in einer fast Panik. Gerade zugeschlagen mit Sorge, Furcht und Angst. Sie ist fast wie I don' t möchten meine Augen öffnen. Ich tue nicht sollte sehen, was WIRKLICH dort in meinem Leben ist. Rechnungen, Gehäuse, Familienprobleme (welche Familie…), Steve' s-Gesundheit und vertraute Mühen, meine Tochter verfehlend und nicht wissen WANN, wenn ÜBERHAUPT ich sie wieder sehe. Es tötet mich, um zu wissen, dass sie schmerzt, weil ich gegangen und er ist ein kompletter Ausfall zu ihr hervorbringen. Ich hoffe sie doesn' t-Gefühl diese Weise über mich. Ich weiß, dass sie über mich gehend verärgert ist. Das ist etwas i can' t-Hilfe. Wenn es einen Gott oben dort gibt, dann warum muss ich die ganze dieses durchlaufen? Dann gehabt ich so viele Leutespielspiele mit meinem Verstand dieses i can' t sehen alles offenbar an allen im Augenblick. Verletzung die I, erschrocken, gesorgt und im Augenblick meine Hände gebunden und ich kann nichts nicht regeln. Jede Nacht, die ich morgen bete, ist auf gewisse Weise besser. Die Qual wird zu viel, zum mehr zu nehmen. Alles ist im Augenblick so hohl und leer. Furcht fährt mich. Und Schmerz. Ich möchte einen Tag haben, in dem ich nicht so fühle. Ich verfehle Steve in der Richtung, dass er vor der Dachbodensituation entspannter war. Oder mindestens das ist, wie es schien. Ich verfehle meinen Freund…. Ich muss die Antwort finden, um alles dieses zu lösen, bevor es zu spät wird. Ich kann nicht so ständig sein. I don' t können, ich ohne Maddie an hier umziehen werde. Dann wissen, dass meine Mamma diese helle Idee hatte zu versuchen, mich zu halten oben verriegelt. Ich bin von den ganzen dieses physikalisch krank. Und emotional und geistlich getan mit ihr. Aber ich muss, weiterzugehen halten. Manchmal wundere ich, wie viel von allem dieses in meinem Verstand ist und ich ihn nur auf eine verdrehte Art sehe. Ich muss soviel, zu sorgen beendigen. Es ist Tötung ich, zum soviel zu interessieren. Jemand, erklären mir, was und zutreffend ist, was bitte, mit meinen Problemen zu tun…. I bitten und plädierend ..... Bilden Sie es Anschlag bitte.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Sometimes I Wonder....
Manchmal wundere mich ich wirklich, was ich mit meinem Leben tue. Oder sogar WAS ich tue. Kürzlich fühle mich ich wie I gerade can' t sehen Sachen offenbar. Situationen und Leute zum Beispiel. Es scheint mir, der, den ich Steve ganz falsch gelesen habe. Dann dachte ICH, dass meine Mamma mein Freund war; aber andererseits fing ich an, Sachen zu sehen dieses I didn' t sehen vorher. Zum Beispiel scheint die ganze Sache mit Maddie wie ein großes Sinnesspiel. Ich schwöre sie isn' t, welches mir die Wahrheit sagt. Andererseits dachte ich, dass Steve Material von mir versteckte und es ein Missverständnis auf meinem Fach war. So heute Abend, dachte ich an Sachen und I can' t erklären, was recht oder falsch ist; oder sogar wer oder was zu glauben. Ich habe über die Gesetze betreffend dauerhaften Schutz vorbei geben meiner Mutter gelesen. Ich fand in dort, dass meine Mamma mich erklärt haben kann geistlich instabil, ein Elternteil zu Maddie zu sein. Nicht sagte sie nichts über die zu mir. ABER! Ich weiß auch, dass es viel sie hat nicht erklärt mir und wird vermutlich nie gibt. Sachen sogar in meinen Verstand dann oben schrauben; Ich halte zu versuchen, auf die Lektionen in der Vergangenheit zu bauen, die gelehrt sind. So erhält Steve unfair geurteilt. Andererseits manchmal lasse ich ihn richtig verdübeln. So bildet er mich Wunder über meine Mutter. Und der ganzer Mist, der geschah, als ich wachsendes hohes war. Die Therapeuten, Medikationen, schneiden und wünschen sterben. Meine Frage ist; war oder ist gibt es etwas WIRKLICH falsch mit mir oder ist es gerade die Erziehung und der Mist, die ich durch in meinem Leben gewesen bin oder war es aller gerade jemand, das mich anhob, heraus ausgeflippt, als sie mich wasn' herausfanden; t, das geht, in Schritte dort zu folgen? Dann werde ich über das sexuelle Verhältnis zwischen Steve und I. betroffen. Er hat einige Probleme mit aufrichtbarer Funktionsstörung. Nicht I don' t-Schuld selbst. Ich möchte ihm helfen, mich zu verursachen weiß, dass sie ihn stört. So versuche ich, herauszufinden, was und wie ich ihm helfen kann. Trauriges Teil ist, ist, dass ich denke, dass viel es in seinem Verstand und dann in ihm doesn' ist; t-Hilfe, wenn ich nicht wirklich in der Stimmung bin. (GEHEIMNIS! I ein bisschen haven' t, das kürzlich. gewesen wird) Andererseits habe ich gefunden, dass es mit Herzkrankheit zusammenhängen kann und dass Schrecken der Mist aus mir heraus. Ich kann ihn nicht jetzt lösen. Nicht jetzt. Nicht überhaupt an dem! Ich werde über Maddie betroffen. Ich werde erschrocken von, was der Therapeut ihr erklärt, oder, sie bildend, glauben Sie. Ich wünsche, dass ich die Antworten hatte und meinen Sinnesrest lassen könnte. Und ich wünsche, dass ich Sachen offenbar sehen könnte. Seien Sie in der Lage, zu erklären, wem die Fälschung ist und wem nicht ist. Möglicherweise bilde ich es gerade schlechter in meinem Verstand als, was er wirklich ist. Ich muss somethings ändern. Ich kann nicht so an fortfahren. Ich bin gerade fallen tiefer und tiefer in diesen Albtraum. Nichts ist, was es scheint. Und i don' t wissen, wem oder was zum Vertrauen. I don' t wissen, was ich tun werde.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Auf Deutsch.....Bitte......Danke
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
No Water!
Today, (and all of last night), Steve has been up in the attic... Again...
But today he had to shut off the water cause he is working on the pipe work in the house.
Me? I started doing lessons online for Italian. And relearning HTML... They say it has changed since 1997, but honestly; it hasn't. The only reason why i haven't started doing my blog by writing all the HTML for it, is because usually I don't get to work on my blog until late at night and I am too tired by then to care.
Plus, I don't want to really mess up everything on this blog. That's a lot to redo in HTML.
When I lived in Nevada, I use to design websites. I did it all. Even created my own graphics. I learned quite a bit about that stuff in Nevada.
At this moment i am trying to rescheduel my Dr appointment...... (It takes FOREVER!) You get stuck on perma-hold!
My Mom told me that my Grandma isn't doing to well. I haven't ever mentioned it to my Mom but I think the reason my Grandma pushes herself too far, or doesn't takes care of herself when she gets hurt, or just doesn't in general; is because i think she doesn't care and she wants to die. Which is a sad thought.
The only reason i come to that conclusion is because of what I have picked up from psychologists, and therapists and a few books that i have read. And from experience...(Ahem....)
I could be wrong. But I do know that she thinks that nobody loves her.
I do. I miss her in the sense that i miss how she use to be. But I still love her, and I am afraid that she is going to die. Similar situation happened in 1995 when I lived in Seattle and my Great-Grandmother died. I miss her too. She was from Prussia (which has been gone since the end of WWII), and it was because of her and my family's german lineage; that influenced me to take German in high school.
Sometimes I wish I could got back, and be closer to my family. But that will probably never happen. Too much water under that bridge.
Ich sprach gerade mit meiner Mamma. Sie erklärte mir, dass Maddie ihr über Steve erklärte, der an ihr kreischt, als wir mit ihm in Utah lebten. Und jetzt wie üblich tadelt meine Mamma alles, das mit Maddie auf ihm falsch ist, Chris und mich. Sie lässt Maddie nicht kommen sieht mich. Und ich kann sie ein paar Stunden lang nur besuchen, als ich dort steige. I can' t führen sie aus, um oder zum Park zu essen. Nichts. Dieses ist, wenn meine Vergangenheit mich Oberseite der Kopf klatscht und mich verwirklichen lässt, wie viel einer Verwirrung alles ist. Steve doesn' t glauben mir, wenn ich sage, dass ich meine Tochter verloren habe. Ich bedeute es buchstäblich! Ich habe meine Tochter VERLOREN. Möglicherweise waren sie an der Gipfel-Hütte recht. Meine Mamma war heraus, meine Tochter von mir zu nehmen. Für, was überhaupt dieser kranke Grund sein kann. Mit so werde ich auch bestraft für, wem ich bin. Ich möchte verschwinden.
But today he had to shut off the water cause he is working on the pipe work in the house.
Me? I started doing lessons online for Italian. And relearning HTML... They say it has changed since 1997, but honestly; it hasn't. The only reason why i haven't started doing my blog by writing all the HTML for it, is because usually I don't get to work on my blog until late at night and I am too tired by then to care.
Plus, I don't want to really mess up everything on this blog. That's a lot to redo in HTML.
When I lived in Nevada, I use to design websites. I did it all. Even created my own graphics. I learned quite a bit about that stuff in Nevada.
At this moment i am trying to rescheduel my Dr appointment...... (It takes FOREVER!) You get stuck on perma-hold!
My Mom told me that my Grandma isn't doing to well. I haven't ever mentioned it to my Mom but I think the reason my Grandma pushes herself too far, or doesn't takes care of herself when she gets hurt, or just doesn't in general; is because i think she doesn't care and she wants to die. Which is a sad thought.
The only reason i come to that conclusion is because of what I have picked up from psychologists, and therapists and a few books that i have read. And from experience...(Ahem....)
I could be wrong. But I do know that she thinks that nobody loves her.
I do. I miss her in the sense that i miss how she use to be. But I still love her, and I am afraid that she is going to die. Similar situation happened in 1995 when I lived in Seattle and my Great-Grandmother died. I miss her too. She was from Prussia (which has been gone since the end of WWII), and it was because of her and my family's german lineage; that influenced me to take German in high school.
Sometimes I wish I could got back, and be closer to my family. But that will probably never happen. Too much water under that bridge.
Ich sprach gerade mit meiner Mamma. Sie erklärte mir, dass Maddie ihr über Steve erklärte, der an ihr kreischt, als wir mit ihm in Utah lebten. Und jetzt wie üblich tadelt meine Mamma alles, das mit Maddie auf ihm falsch ist, Chris und mich. Sie lässt Maddie nicht kommen sieht mich. Und ich kann sie ein paar Stunden lang nur besuchen, als ich dort steige. I can' t führen sie aus, um oder zum Park zu essen. Nichts. Dieses ist, wenn meine Vergangenheit mich Oberseite der Kopf klatscht und mich verwirklichen lässt, wie viel einer Verwirrung alles ist. Steve doesn' t glauben mir, wenn ich sage, dass ich meine Tochter verloren habe. Ich bedeute es buchstäblich! Ich habe meine Tochter VERLOREN. Möglicherweise waren sie an der Gipfel-Hütte recht. Meine Mamma war heraus, meine Tochter von mir zu nehmen. Für, was überhaupt dieser kranke Grund sein kann. Mit so werde ich auch bestraft für, wem ich bin. Ich möchte verschwinden.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Have You Ever......
Have you ever felt like you wanted to do something so bad; but then, at the last second you second guess yourself. And then you are stuck with never knowing what would have happened if you had done it.
Then in somethings it seems it is better to not do it and save yourself the embarrassement, and agony. Ok, maybe agony is too strong of a word. But i really don't know what else to stick there.
Lately i can see that i let fear drive my actions and choices. I get scared of the unknown outcome and I back down.
Talked to my Mom and found out that Maddie is bringing her homework home. And as i predicted, my ex didn't call my mom. No surprise there.
I am worried about my daughter. She is wetting the bed and I can only come to, two answers as to what is eating her. 1- I am out of state and she has told me more than once that she wants me to go back. 2- She is really having problems with my ex. She said that she doesn't want to go over there anymore and that she hates her dad cause he always lies to her.
Being here, i can't do squat. I hate having my hands tied.
I miss her smile.
Then in somethings it seems it is better to not do it and save yourself the embarrassement, and agony. Ok, maybe agony is too strong of a word. But i really don't know what else to stick there.
Lately i can see that i let fear drive my actions and choices. I get scared of the unknown outcome and I back down.
Talked to my Mom and found out that Maddie is bringing her homework home. And as i predicted, my ex didn't call my mom. No surprise there.
I am worried about my daughter. She is wetting the bed and I can only come to, two answers as to what is eating her. 1- I am out of state and she has told me more than once that she wants me to go back. 2- She is really having problems with my ex. She said that she doesn't want to go over there anymore and that she hates her dad cause he always lies to her.
Being here, i can't do squat. I hate having my hands tied.
I miss her smile.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A Whole Lot Of Nothing
Today, I didn't get much done or go anywhere cause Steve had the truck apart ever since last night and spent all day working on it again.
So i surfed the net, and FINALLY finished the level with those friggin monkeys!
While I was on the net i found some places to learn foreign languages. Lately i have been working a little with German. But i want to go back to learning Italian. So I want to do both. And while they are gone to Mexico, i think i might do that during the day. Since Steve will be up working in the attic anyway.
No, I didn't call my Mom. Because when i finally remembered it was too late. Since they are no an hour ahead of us. i hope Maddie is bringing home her homework. I am afraid that she is becomming like i was. i always stuffed my homework into my desk and NEVER brought it home. I remember one time when i was in 5th grade, faking being asleep just to get out of doing math homework. Ooops! :) (Like as if my Mom couldn't tell.......)
I was looking at old pictures of Maddie from almost 3 years ago. And i can't help but wonder how tall she is now, how much she has probably changed since i last saw her. And always wondering WHEN I will ever see her again. Atleast for Steve he gets to see his kids two times a year.
When i last saw Maddie, she was tall enough that her head came to the top of my shoulders. And I am 5'8"! She is going to be TALL! And pretty. :)
So i surfed the net, and FINALLY finished the level with those friggin monkeys!
While I was on the net i found some places to learn foreign languages. Lately i have been working a little with German. But i want to go back to learning Italian. So I want to do both. And while they are gone to Mexico, i think i might do that during the day. Since Steve will be up working in the attic anyway.
No, I didn't call my Mom. Because when i finally remembered it was too late. Since they are no an hour ahead of us. i hope Maddie is bringing home her homework. I am afraid that she is becomming like i was. i always stuffed my homework into my desk and NEVER brought it home. I remember one time when i was in 5th grade, faking being asleep just to get out of doing math homework. Ooops! :) (Like as if my Mom couldn't tell.......)
I was looking at old pictures of Maddie from almost 3 years ago. And i can't help but wonder how tall she is now, how much she has probably changed since i last saw her. And always wondering WHEN I will ever see her again. Atleast for Steve he gets to see his kids two times a year.
When i last saw Maddie, she was tall enough that her head came to the top of my shoulders. And I am 5'8"! She is going to be TALL! And pretty. :)
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friggin Monkeys
This past weekend Justin; Steve's son, went missing for over 24 hours. Then the next Steve hears at all from him was his daughter Kira, texting him that Justin wants 100$. Justin won't even talk to Steve. And it's bugging the heck out of him. Then to top it off, Steve's brother hasn't talked to him since this past weekend. It still makes me wonder if I have something to do with his brother not talking to him. I mean in the sense that maybe they (his brother and his wife), don't like me and I always go with Steve over there. I don't know.
Then again my mind likes to play with me. Especially lately.
I wish sometimes i could just shut my mind off. I sick of it analyzing everything. It wears me out and frustrates the living crap out of me. And Steve.
I printed up a picture of Steve to put on my night stand with my pictures of Maddie. While I was doing that, I was thinking of the song "Pictures Of You" by The Cure. I remember when i was in USH and all i had was pictures of Steve and Maddie on the wall beside my bed. And the part of the song that was always in my mind when I was looking at especially his picture was, "I've been looking so long at my pictures of, you that I almost believe that they're real. I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel....."
So I sat for awhile holding his picture.....
We had a bit of a rough start this morning. I was a complete basket case. And was cussing under my breath and left him going; "What did I do?"
He's afraid that i am going to leave and I am afraid of him not wanting me anymore.
I wish he would believe me when i say that i am not leaving. I guess the only way to prove it is by just letting time go by. (I hate that cause i am so impatient.)
I am trying to keep myself more busy lately cause he has been working in the attic and on his truck. So i get left with a lot of time to friggin think.
Then i got a bill from Davis Behavioral for over 600$ and I had health insurrance at the time. This isn't the first time that they have tried doing something stupid like that. I am sick of trying to straighten that out!
I need to call my Mom to find out if Maddie is bringing her homework home yet, and then to find out if my stinkin ex ever called or if he is being the chicken that i know he is.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
You'd Think I would Have Learned By Now.........
Last night it was my turn for T.M.I.
I told Steve about the guys I was seeing when we weren't talking and gave him the full picture of what I meant earlier in my blog about being a tramp.
Well, that flew like a rock. :(
So I hurt him again.
I have been aching inside all day because of it. I didn't want him to see me crying so when we went to the store i took off on my own to cry. I am trying to be happy and act like as if everything is alright. Everything is NOT alright! I hurt him......... AGAIN!
I should have just taken that stuff to my grave with me. Once again, telling the truth bites me in the butt.
I felt so ashamed and guilty that I couldn't even bring myself to wear my engagment ring nor the other ring that I have that matches his. They were in my pocket all day. :(
He is just another person added to the long list of people I have hurt and or damaged.
Stabbing Westward said it best, "I die inside when I think of all the people I have damaged....."
He's pulled back from me somewhat. I can tell, even though he says he hasn't.
I hate the truth sometimes. Why does it always have to hurt?
I mean, at the time, back in 2008; Steve and I weren't talking. I had no idea how he felt about me. In my book we were over. So i dated. But i was jaded and approached it with spite and bitterness. I was in hell at the time. I was drinking way heavily, popping pills, sleeping around, feeling suicidal, still bingging (sp?) and purging. I was seriously messed up and hated the world and wanted the world to be as cold and as empty I was.
I am not proud of all the damage i have done to not only Steve, but to everyone else that I care for.
When is it ever going to stop? When will I finally get my act together and quit hurting those i love?
So here is the song; and lesson, for today. Learn it, live it. Trust me!
Policy Of Truth - Depeche Mode
You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you?
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through
It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilized
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied
It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Now you're standing there tongue tied
You better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
I told Steve about the guys I was seeing when we weren't talking and gave him the full picture of what I meant earlier in my blog about being a tramp.
Well, that flew like a rock. :(
So I hurt him again.
I have been aching inside all day because of it. I didn't want him to see me crying so when we went to the store i took off on my own to cry. I am trying to be happy and act like as if everything is alright. Everything is NOT alright! I hurt him......... AGAIN!
I should have just taken that stuff to my grave with me. Once again, telling the truth bites me in the butt.
I felt so ashamed and guilty that I couldn't even bring myself to wear my engagment ring nor the other ring that I have that matches his. They were in my pocket all day. :(
He is just another person added to the long list of people I have hurt and or damaged.
Stabbing Westward said it best, "I die inside when I think of all the people I have damaged....."
He's pulled back from me somewhat. I can tell, even though he says he hasn't.
I hate the truth sometimes. Why does it always have to hurt?
I mean, at the time, back in 2008; Steve and I weren't talking. I had no idea how he felt about me. In my book we were over. So i dated. But i was jaded and approached it with spite and bitterness. I was in hell at the time. I was drinking way heavily, popping pills, sleeping around, feeling suicidal, still bingging (sp?) and purging. I was seriously messed up and hated the world and wanted the world to be as cold and as empty I was.
I am not proud of all the damage i have done to not only Steve, but to everyone else that I care for.
When is it ever going to stop? When will I finally get my act together and quit hurting those i love?
So here is the song; and lesson, for today. Learn it, live it. Trust me!
Policy Of Truth - Depeche Mode
You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you?
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through
It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilized
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied
It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Now you're standing there tongue tied
You better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Monday, March 15, 2010
T.M.I.
Talk to my ex about Maddie and of course, he denied, denied, denied.... I was expecting as much from him. So I am not too surprised by that.
I found out from my Mom that my ex and alicia fought over alicia having to babysit Maddie right infront of Maddie. He still fights in front of her. He use to do that with me. I would ask him to please take it somewhere else, but no! He couldn't do that.
So i told him that he is going to have to take it up with my Mom about seeing Maddie again. Sounds cold right? Well, if he is going to be that way with Maddie (leaving her there alone and alicia not wanting to have anything to do with Maddie), then she doesn't need to go there anymore.
So I don't think he is going to talk to me Mom, cause he is afraid of my Mom. >:) (hehehehehe)
Steve told me something today that was T.M.I. And i have let it go. It is in his past, but it kind of was something unexpected, yet in a weird way doesn't surprise me. I don't want to act like it bugged me, or was a buzz kill, cause i want him to open up to me and talk to me about anything. So I just let it go. I did a lot of stupid things in my past. I just know which things to talk about and what to take to my grave. Ahem..
I am going to get Maddie the Lego set of Anakin's Y Wing Starfighter. I discussed it with Steve and he said that would be fine. So when I get paid next month i am going to send that to her. And I need to find the first Star Wars movie ever made. So she can see the movies that i grew up with and continue the saga. I hope she likes it.
As always, I put a song in here. Well today I am going to add two. Both of them have to relate in some way to both of my kids. The first is "Blurry" by Puddle Of Mudd. Second is "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche.
"Blurry" has to related to what happened when I lost my son, and how i feel about the situation with DCFS in Nevada, and the last time I saw him. And how I wonder what he is doing. But it also applies to Maddie now cause she is far away from me and the situation with her.
Blurry - Puddle Of Mudd
Every thing's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing?
Imagine where you are?
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing?
I wonder where you are?
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me
Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to runaway
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me
No this pain you gave to me
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away
Explain again to me
You take it all away
Explain again to me
Take it all away
Explain again
Explain again
Explain again
"Silent Lucidity" is a song that i use to sing to both of my children when they were babies and I would be rocking them. It is something that I cherrish.
Silent Lucidity lyrics
Hush now don't cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over...or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run to in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the tears
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I-will be watching over you
I-am gonna help you see it through
I-will protect you in the night
I-am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumblng down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domai
nA soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your hea
dMaster of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I-will be watching over you
I-am gonna help you see it through
I-will protect you in the night
I-am smiling next to you...
(The video for Silent Lucidity is not the original that i first saw on MTV.)
I found out from my Mom that my ex and alicia fought over alicia having to babysit Maddie right infront of Maddie. He still fights in front of her. He use to do that with me. I would ask him to please take it somewhere else, but no! He couldn't do that.
So i told him that he is going to have to take it up with my Mom about seeing Maddie again. Sounds cold right? Well, if he is going to be that way with Maddie (leaving her there alone and alicia not wanting to have anything to do with Maddie), then she doesn't need to go there anymore.
So I don't think he is going to talk to me Mom, cause he is afraid of my Mom. >:) (hehehehehe)
Steve told me something today that was T.M.I. And i have let it go. It is in his past, but it kind of was something unexpected, yet in a weird way doesn't surprise me. I don't want to act like it bugged me, or was a buzz kill, cause i want him to open up to me and talk to me about anything. So I just let it go. I did a lot of stupid things in my past. I just know which things to talk about and what to take to my grave. Ahem..
I am going to get Maddie the Lego set of Anakin's Y Wing Starfighter. I discussed it with Steve and he said that would be fine. So when I get paid next month i am going to send that to her. And I need to find the first Star Wars movie ever made. So she can see the movies that i grew up with and continue the saga. I hope she likes it.
As always, I put a song in here. Well today I am going to add two. Both of them have to relate in some way to both of my kids. The first is "Blurry" by Puddle Of Mudd. Second is "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche.
"Blurry" has to related to what happened when I lost my son, and how i feel about the situation with DCFS in Nevada, and the last time I saw him. And how I wonder what he is doing. But it also applies to Maddie now cause she is far away from me and the situation with her.
Blurry - Puddle Of Mudd
Every thing's so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody's empty
And everything is so messed up
Preoccupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I'll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing?
Imagine where you are?
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
Everyone is changing
There's no one left that's real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
And you could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing?
I wonder where you are?
There's oceans in between us
But that's not very far
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me
Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you when to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you when to runaway
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
Well you shoved it my face
This pain you gave to me
No this pain you gave to me
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away
Explain again to me
You take it all away
Explain again to me
Take it all away
Explain again
Explain again
Explain again
"Silent Lucidity" is a song that i use to sing to both of my children when they were babies and I would be rocking them. It is something that I cherrish.
Silent Lucidity lyrics
Hush now don't cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over...or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run to in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the tears
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly, you hear and see
This magic new dimension
I-will be watching over you
I-am gonna help you see it through
I-will protect you in the night
I-am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumblng down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domai
nA soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your hea
dMaster of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I-will be watching over you
I-am gonna help you see it through
I-will protect you in the night
I-am smiling next to you...
(The video for Silent Lucidity is not the original that i first saw on MTV.)
WOW! People read this!!!! Atleast my Mom does :)
Today it floored me that my Mom actually read my blog. I didn't think that anyone was reading this. Cool! :)
Anyway, I guess things are a bit worse with what is going on with my ex and how he is treating MY DAUGHTER!!!! Apparently she starves all weekend long when she goes with him, and his new wife doesn't want to have anything to do with my little one. If THAT'S how it is going to be then I don't want her going over there anymore. I just found this out tonight. THIS on top of him promising her a birthday party for TWO WEEKS! And not pulling through with his promises and upsetting her.
Apparently she is also having problems with anxiety and she is only 9!
I have had it with him and his BS. I put up with it for-friggin-ever! Our WHOLE marriage was a lie! REALLY IT WAS! I found out at the very end that our marriage wasn't even valid! He lied to me so much. ARGH! Er ist ein wertloses Stuck Scheisse! (The "u" in stuck is suppose to have umlauts on it.) No I will not translate. :P
She has been watching episodes of Star Wars Lego animations on YouTube. So i guess i am going to have to watch that sometime too.
Sometimes I am afraid that I am too jaded for my relationship with Steve. My Mom understands exactly what i mean. As she said tonight; "Yeah, after what Chris (my ex) pulled..."
Then my Mom told me not to send anything more for Maddie. But I want to. And friggin heck! Easter is comming up. She needs something.
I wanted to talk with Steve about somethings dealing with uws, and I sent him texts then told him didn't need to answer. But here's the catch- I know him well enough that IF it wasn't something that was going to hurt or upset me in any way, shape, or form; he would have told me. AND he didn't. So that leaves me to draw the conclusion that yes, it is something that I probably don't want to hear. And for now I will keep my suspicions to myself. And if it is what i think it is, then my hands are tied and i can't do a thing about it. Well, the obvious thing will happen, (which I was told in USH is typical of someone like me), I will pull away and go freezing cold. Well i won't cut him out. But I will have to pull away just to help myself. (The song "Save Yourself" from Stabbing Westward comes to mind....)
Sometimes I get way judgemental. And i can be cruel... He hasn't yet come to this realization YET! And watch out when he does..... OUCH! But I doubt it.
I am in a bad mood anyway and I needed to vent. I don't like dumping my stuff on others. And this works perfectly. :)
Here's the song for today :) (Keep in mind that I am WAY aggrivated right about now and my mind is going off the deep end in the pool of assuming things.............)
End - The Cure
i think i've reached that point
where giving up and going on
are both the same dead end to me
are both the same old song
i think i've reached that point
where every wish has come true
and tired disguised oblivion
is everything i do
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i think i've reached that point
where all the things you have to say
and hopes for something more from me
are just games to pass the time away
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i think i've reached that point
where every word that you write
of every blood dark sea
and every soul black night
and every dream you dream me in
and every perfect free from sin
and burning eyes
and hearts on fire
are just the same old song
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i am none of these things
i am none of these things
(Just another day...........)
Anyway, I guess things are a bit worse with what is going on with my ex and how he is treating MY DAUGHTER!!!! Apparently she starves all weekend long when she goes with him, and his new wife doesn't want to have anything to do with my little one. If THAT'S how it is going to be then I don't want her going over there anymore. I just found this out tonight. THIS on top of him promising her a birthday party for TWO WEEKS! And not pulling through with his promises and upsetting her.
Apparently she is also having problems with anxiety and she is only 9!
I have had it with him and his BS. I put up with it for-friggin-ever! Our WHOLE marriage was a lie! REALLY IT WAS! I found out at the very end that our marriage wasn't even valid! He lied to me so much. ARGH! Er ist ein wertloses Stuck Scheisse! (The "u" in stuck is suppose to have umlauts on it.) No I will not translate. :P
She has been watching episodes of Star Wars Lego animations on YouTube. So i guess i am going to have to watch that sometime too.
Sometimes I am afraid that I am too jaded for my relationship with Steve. My Mom understands exactly what i mean. As she said tonight; "Yeah, after what Chris (my ex) pulled..."
Then my Mom told me not to send anything more for Maddie. But I want to. And friggin heck! Easter is comming up. She needs something.
I wanted to talk with Steve about somethings dealing with uws, and I sent him texts then told him didn't need to answer. But here's the catch- I know him well enough that IF it wasn't something that was going to hurt or upset me in any way, shape, or form; he would have told me. AND he didn't. So that leaves me to draw the conclusion that yes, it is something that I probably don't want to hear. And for now I will keep my suspicions to myself. And if it is what i think it is, then my hands are tied and i can't do a thing about it. Well, the obvious thing will happen, (which I was told in USH is typical of someone like me), I will pull away and go freezing cold. Well i won't cut him out. But I will have to pull away just to help myself. (The song "Save Yourself" from Stabbing Westward comes to mind....)
Sometimes I get way judgemental. And i can be cruel... He hasn't yet come to this realization YET! And watch out when he does..... OUCH! But I doubt it.
I am in a bad mood anyway and I needed to vent. I don't like dumping my stuff on others. And this works perfectly. :)
Here's the song for today :) (Keep in mind that I am WAY aggrivated right about now and my mind is going off the deep end in the pool of assuming things.............)
End - The Cure
i think i've reached that point
where giving up and going on
are both the same dead end to me
are both the same old song
i think i've reached that point
where every wish has come true
and tired disguised oblivion
is everything i do
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i think i've reached that point
where all the things you have to say
and hopes for something more from me
are just games to pass the time away
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i think i've reached that point
where every word that you write
of every blood dark sea
and every soul black night
and every dream you dream me in
and every perfect free from sin
and burning eyes
and hearts on fire
are just the same old song
please stop loving me
please stop loving me
i am none of these things
i am none of these things
i am none of these things
(Just another day...........)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Just Another Day.....
I decided today that I'm not going to worry anymore over who reads this blog. No one inparticular does anyway, so it shouldn't matter.
Today Maddie should have got her package. I still have to call, but I am waiting till later to call just to make sure that she has recieved it. I wanted to get her Anakin's ship in Legos, but they want 60$ for it and I don't know if I can afford it right now. I wanted to give it to her for Easter, but I also have my Mother's birthday in April. So I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
I am really concerned about Steve's health. But the problem he is having is most likely due to psychological/emotional problems. So there really isn't much I can do about it. Except love him and try to help him as much as i can.
I recently bought a coupld of new cd's and one of them was a group called Breaking Benjamin. They are a lot like Stabbing Westward's first two albums. And i was listening to it today. Mostly only two songs from it; "I Will Not Bow" and "Anthem Of The Angels". I like it, but it made me feel empty and cold all over again. So it may not have been a good choice. Atleast for today.
I also seem to have this penchant for making cd compilations lately that are alittle sad. Like I said before and i will say it again; to quote The Verve, "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me...."
I think that is hy I listen to certain kinds of music at certain periods. And if anyone knows me well enough; which no one has YET to figure this one out, you can tell what kind of a mood I am in, or if something is bothering me, the type of music I play will tell you.
Except Steve has one over on me. I can get all huffy, and try to pretend that I am mean and don't care, but then I look into his eyes and I melt. I can't be like that around him. It just doesn't work. Which is good and bad.
It's bad in a sense that he knows the second he is around me if something is wrong. First off, in all my relationships, no one ever cared if something was wrong. Secondly, because of all of that, I have a hard time opening up and talking to him. Mainly because I don't want him to worry about me, and I don't want to trouble him. But he tells me to talk to him anyway..... (ugh!)
I sure miss my little girl. I think about her every day. And worry....I am not still angry at my ex, but; he will never learn and never change. And for what he did to Maddie for her birthday pisses me off! Er ist ein Esel!
(He is a jackass.)
I don't even remember WHY i married him in the FIRST place..... (*&$%@#^!!!!)
Lately, I have felt more like the songs "Stuck In A Moment" and Incubus "Drive".
I would have to say that I am definately "Stuck In A Moment." So that's the song for today, (and the past few days.....)
Stuck In A Moment - U2
I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see
And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
Today Maddie should have got her package. I still have to call, but I am waiting till later to call just to make sure that she has recieved it. I wanted to get her Anakin's ship in Legos, but they want 60$ for it and I don't know if I can afford it right now. I wanted to give it to her for Easter, but I also have my Mother's birthday in April. So I don't know what I'm going to do yet.
I am really concerned about Steve's health. But the problem he is having is most likely due to psychological/emotional problems. So there really isn't much I can do about it. Except love him and try to help him as much as i can.
I recently bought a coupld of new cd's and one of them was a group called Breaking Benjamin. They are a lot like Stabbing Westward's first two albums. And i was listening to it today. Mostly only two songs from it; "I Will Not Bow" and "Anthem Of The Angels". I like it, but it made me feel empty and cold all over again. So it may not have been a good choice. Atleast for today.
I also seem to have this penchant for making cd compilations lately that are alittle sad. Like I said before and i will say it again; to quote The Verve, "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me...."
I think that is hy I listen to certain kinds of music at certain periods. And if anyone knows me well enough; which no one has YET to figure this one out, you can tell what kind of a mood I am in, or if something is bothering me, the type of music I play will tell you.
Except Steve has one over on me. I can get all huffy, and try to pretend that I am mean and don't care, but then I look into his eyes and I melt. I can't be like that around him. It just doesn't work. Which is good and bad.
It's bad in a sense that he knows the second he is around me if something is wrong. First off, in all my relationships, no one ever cared if something was wrong. Secondly, because of all of that, I have a hard time opening up and talking to him. Mainly because I don't want him to worry about me, and I don't want to trouble him. But he tells me to talk to him anyway..... (ugh!)
I sure miss my little girl. I think about her every day. And worry....I am not still angry at my ex, but; he will never learn and never change. And for what he did to Maddie for her birthday pisses me off! Er ist ein Esel!
(He is a jackass.)
I don't even remember WHY i married him in the FIRST place..... (*&$%@#^!!!!)
Lately, I have felt more like the songs "Stuck In A Moment" and Incubus "Drive".
I would have to say that I am definately "Stuck In A Moment." So that's the song for today, (and the past few days.....)
Stuck In A Moment - U2
I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company
I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see
And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all
You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass
And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass
It's just a moment
This time will pass
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My Maddie :)
Today I mailed off the Lego Star Wars set that i bought her. It was Darth Vader's TIE Fighter.
She has been looking for it ever since I told her last week that I was going to get it for her. So she was all excited to know that I sent it off. It should be there in a couple of days.
My Mom told me that she hasn't been bringing her homework home lately so she told Maddie that if she doesn't bring home her homework, she doesn't get the package untill she does.
She's doing good in school. So far.... Though her teacher is out for probably the rest of the school year, and she has a sub. That doesn't help anything.
I asked her tonight if she had seen Star Wars: Phantom Menance yet and she told me that she had. i was going to buy that for her. But apparently she has see the first three. But not any of the ones with Luke Skywalker in it. I might get her one of those movies, but I am not sure.
She told me also about that she has the soundtrack to Phineas & Ferb. One of her favorite shows. One of my favorite episodes that i watched with her back in the summer was called "Chez Platypus" and on there was a song that the evil scientist in the show sings to this girl her meets. It's called "Evil Love". (Video below)
Aparently you can also watch episodes on YouTube :) So I think one of these nights I am going to have to watch a couple of episodes when I get bored.
It helped to talk with her. It made me happy :)
My Mom is on medication for her heart, but they still have no idea why her blood pressure was so high. Atleast it is staying down for now.
I worry about Steve's health because of his past and he takes pills for high blood pressure. But it scares me sometimes that something could happen to him. I wish he would care a little more about himself cause I love him and I am going to get married to him, but I want to spend years and years with him. DECADES with him.
THe other night, Steve and I were at a craft store and they had posters there that had sayings on them that had to deal with life. My favorite was this:
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly"
I liked it :)
She has been looking for it ever since I told her last week that I was going to get it for her. So she was all excited to know that I sent it off. It should be there in a couple of days.
My Mom told me that she hasn't been bringing her homework home lately so she told Maddie that if she doesn't bring home her homework, she doesn't get the package untill she does.
She's doing good in school. So far.... Though her teacher is out for probably the rest of the school year, and she has a sub. That doesn't help anything.
I asked her tonight if she had seen Star Wars: Phantom Menance yet and she told me that she had. i was going to buy that for her. But apparently she has see the first three. But not any of the ones with Luke Skywalker in it. I might get her one of those movies, but I am not sure.
She told me also about that she has the soundtrack to Phineas & Ferb. One of her favorite shows. One of my favorite episodes that i watched with her back in the summer was called "Chez Platypus" and on there was a song that the evil scientist in the show sings to this girl her meets. It's called "Evil Love". (Video below)
Aparently you can also watch episodes on YouTube :) So I think one of these nights I am going to have to watch a couple of episodes when I get bored.
It helped to talk with her. It made me happy :)
My Mom is on medication for her heart, but they still have no idea why her blood pressure was so high. Atleast it is staying down for now.
I worry about Steve's health because of his past and he takes pills for high blood pressure. But it scares me sometimes that something could happen to him. I wish he would care a little more about himself cause I love him and I am going to get married to him, but I want to spend years and years with him. DECADES with him.
THe other night, Steve and I were at a craft store and they had posters there that had sayings on them that had to deal with life. My favorite was this:
"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly"
I liked it :)
I'm happy I did :)
As i mentioned before, I had opened up to Steve about somethings and it paid off :) :)
Now I have been left in a romantic/haze/day-dreamy type mood all day long.
All I want to do is just be near him and he has been working in the attic all day.
Sometimes it is hard to read him. And I founfd that sometimes the only way I can talk to him is by texting him. We were actually talking about quite a bit today through text. It makes me feel bad that I hurt him so badly. But, i have said that before so i will not lament on it any longer.
Anyway....
I started applying for food stamps online this time and it is a friggin joke. On the paper application they don't ask for everything including what you plan to name you next son if you are planning on having children! Ofcourse I am exagerating. But, DANG!
I ment to add in here last night the lyrics to Flagpole Sitta. It always cheers me up, and makes me laugh. :)
Flagpool Sitta - Harvey Danger
I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me
Fingertips have memories
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see
who salutes but no one ever does
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a tv
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, goddamn you
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well
I wanna publish zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind
Paranoia paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me
Im running under ground with the moles
Diggin in holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well
That's it for tonight. I have other things to do tonight ;)
Now I have been left in a romantic/haze/day-dreamy type mood all day long.
All I want to do is just be near him and he has been working in the attic all day.
Sometimes it is hard to read him. And I founfd that sometimes the only way I can talk to him is by texting him. We were actually talking about quite a bit today through text. It makes me feel bad that I hurt him so badly. But, i have said that before so i will not lament on it any longer.
Anyway....
I started applying for food stamps online this time and it is a friggin joke. On the paper application they don't ask for everything including what you plan to name you next son if you are planning on having children! Ofcourse I am exagerating. But, DANG!
I ment to add in here last night the lyrics to Flagpole Sitta. It always cheers me up, and makes me laugh. :)
Flagpool Sitta - Harvey Danger
I had visions, I was in them
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me
Fingertips have memories
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see
who salutes but no one ever does
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a tv
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, goddamn you
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause i'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well
I wanna publish zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind
Paranoia paranoia
Everybody's coming to get me
Just say you never met me
Im running under ground with the moles
Diggin in holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live so well
That's it for tonight. I have other things to do tonight ;)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Another day
It breaks my heart to have her say that. She's my baby. She's growing up without me. I've missed her birthday 3 times in a row now. Because i have been gone.
I don't know when I'll see her again.
That's got me feeling kind of empty. I know she's growing up and she really isn't my baby anymore, but she will always be my baby.
I got to take her to Lagoon last summer and we had a blast. Guess it's gonna be quite awhile before I ever get a chance to that again.
Then last night, I opened up to Steve like I have never done before. I found myself periodically wondering if that was really the right move. I don't know. I'm still waiting to see the proof in the pudding to see what happens. It really depends on him.
Yesterday, Steve's Mom once again told me that she enjoys having me around and that I make a nice addition. And she had me add pictures of me and Maddie to the flashdrive to her picture frame. I wasn't going to cause Steve and I aren't married.
I probably won't tell Steve about that. Only way he'll find out is by reading my blog.
Maybe it was a good thing, to open up to him though.
I have been told by many people through out my life that I think too much. And I do. I analyze and question pretty much everything.
One of my worries about Steve & I is that I might be damaged goods cause I have become quite jaded from the past relationships I have had.
I use to have my tongue pierced, and when I did my sister (Kristy), gave me a copy of the song "Flagpole Sitta". Cause it says in there about wanting to pierce my tongue, it doesn't hurt, it feels just fine.
But that was when we were actually friends. I think about 8 years ago. Like that will ever happen again. I kinda don't care cause I'm still pretty pissed at her. And she is with me, also.
I still miss my family though.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Friggin Mall & Clothes Shopping
Today I ended up going with Steve to do some more clothes shopping. First off I can't just go an browse through some department store for clothes when the prices are high and I am short on money. THAT bugs the living crap out of me.
Then throw in with it the fact that lately I am stuck on wanted new CD's. New music. So I really wasn't into looking at clothes anyway. But i did cause Steve asked me to atleast look so I did. I choked when I saw a tank top priced at 28$! I forgot how pricey things can be. Maybe i am just noticing now because I have to pay for it.
But that doesn't stop me from buying cd's lately. I am just sick of the same old thing. And there are times, like today, when I need to heard some music that recognizes the pain in me. Like it says in the song "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve.
That is why I am listening to Depeche Mode - Playing The Angel right now.
That and songs like Unwell, Drive, Blood Runs Cold.... etc..
Tonight I got torked when Steve took off and left me in the store. We had a miscommunication on where he was going, and he thought that I was going to stay in that store and look around some more, but truth was, was that was WAY BURNT OUT on looking for clothes. So I wanted to find F.Y.E. and get some more cd's. So I went out into the mall thinking I would find him and lo and behold..... NO STEVE! I freaked cause I was in this big mall and had no idea where he was. So I spazzed, sent him a freaked-out text, and went looking for a directory to tell me where I would find F.Y.E.
Well, I found one. AND NO F.Y.E.! No music stores - PERIOD! (What a rip-off....)
We worked things out, and I just met him back at the car, cause he had actually gone OUTSIDE of the mall and then went back in to find me. What a mess. I hate malls >:(
Then I call home and first off I find out that Maddie knew what I was getting her because my Mom told her that i bought her the Tie-Fighter that he stupid father failed to pull through on, and she had been really upset about that. But she was happy cause she knew I was sending it to her. (I want to kick my ex so d*mn bad because of that.)
Then my Mom tells me that she has been in the ICU in the hospital for the past couple of days. Because they found some problems with her heart. It upsets me because my Dad died of heart realated problems and I DON'T want to go through that again.
I think that is why I keep myself distant from people to a certain extent.
This will sum it up:
"Tomorrow came too soon
I barely made it through today
Still empty inside
I guess nothing's really changed
I'm still afraid to feel
'Cause I cannot take the pain
I'm still afraid to feel
Afraid to lose someone again
I wish that somehow
I could leave
My past behind
My fears behind...."
I am afraid to lose people. I can't stand that pain. Maybe that's why I act like a butt to Steve sometimes. I don't know.
Now I am worried about my Mom, Maddie; and pissed at my ex for ONCE AGAIN breaking a promise. Yeah, he use to do that to me all that time. But it's another thing when he does it to Maddie. That is MY daughter that he is hurting.
I just don't have patience for anything lately. Everything is just wearing on me and with somethings I don't know what to even think about it anymore. I am done with guessing.
I think I will just sum up the rest of my ranting with a song. It works.
Crushing Me - Stabbing Westward
I'm feeling the weight of the world and
It's crushing me
I'm feeling the weight of everyday life
And it's crushing me
How much more will it take?
How much more until it breaks me?
This world...is crushing me
I'm feeling the hate of the world and it's crashing me
I'm feeling the hate of everyday life
And it's crushing me
I swallow the hate, betrayed and lies
Swallow it whole and shove it deep down inside of me
I'm feeling the weight of the world and it's crushing me
How much more will it take?
How much more until it breaks me?
This world is crushing me
The Story - 30 Second To Mars
I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created
And I swear to god
I will find myself
In the end
In the end
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
(Can you tell yet that really like 30 Seconds To Mars & Stabbing Westward? :) )
Then throw in with it the fact that lately I am stuck on wanted new CD's. New music. So I really wasn't into looking at clothes anyway. But i did cause Steve asked me to atleast look so I did. I choked when I saw a tank top priced at 28$! I forgot how pricey things can be. Maybe i am just noticing now because I have to pay for it.
But that doesn't stop me from buying cd's lately. I am just sick of the same old thing. And there are times, like today, when I need to heard some music that recognizes the pain in me. Like it says in the song "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve.
That is why I am listening to Depeche Mode - Playing The Angel right now.
That and songs like Unwell, Drive, Blood Runs Cold.... etc..
Tonight I got torked when Steve took off and left me in the store. We had a miscommunication on where he was going, and he thought that I was going to stay in that store and look around some more, but truth was, was that was WAY BURNT OUT on looking for clothes. So I wanted to find F.Y.E. and get some more cd's. So I went out into the mall thinking I would find him and lo and behold..... NO STEVE! I freaked cause I was in this big mall and had no idea where he was. So I spazzed, sent him a freaked-out text, and went looking for a directory to tell me where I would find F.Y.E.
Well, I found one. AND NO F.Y.E.! No music stores - PERIOD! (What a rip-off....)
We worked things out, and I just met him back at the car, cause he had actually gone OUTSIDE of the mall and then went back in to find me. What a mess. I hate malls >:(
Then I call home and first off I find out that Maddie knew what I was getting her because my Mom told her that i bought her the Tie-Fighter that he stupid father failed to pull through on, and she had been really upset about that. But she was happy cause she knew I was sending it to her. (I want to kick my ex so d*mn bad because of that.)
Then my Mom tells me that she has been in the ICU in the hospital for the past couple of days. Because they found some problems with her heart. It upsets me because my Dad died of heart realated problems and I DON'T want to go through that again.
I think that is why I keep myself distant from people to a certain extent.
This will sum it up:
"Tomorrow came too soon
I barely made it through today
Still empty inside
I guess nothing's really changed
I'm still afraid to feel
'Cause I cannot take the pain
I'm still afraid to feel
Afraid to lose someone again
I wish that somehow
I could leave
My past behind
My fears behind...."
I am afraid to lose people. I can't stand that pain. Maybe that's why I act like a butt to Steve sometimes. I don't know.
Now I am worried about my Mom, Maddie; and pissed at my ex for ONCE AGAIN breaking a promise. Yeah, he use to do that to me all that time. But it's another thing when he does it to Maddie. That is MY daughter that he is hurting.
I just don't have patience for anything lately. Everything is just wearing on me and with somethings I don't know what to even think about it anymore. I am done with guessing.
I think I will just sum up the rest of my ranting with a song. It works.
Crushing Me - Stabbing Westward
I'm feeling the weight of the world and
It's crushing me
I'm feeling the weight of everyday life
And it's crushing me
How much more will it take?
How much more until it breaks me?
This world...is crushing me
I'm feeling the hate of the world and it's crashing me
I'm feeling the hate of everyday life
And it's crushing me
I swallow the hate, betrayed and lies
Swallow it whole and shove it deep down inside of me
I'm feeling the weight of the world and it's crushing me
How much more will it take?
How much more until it breaks me?
This world is crushing me
The Story - 30 Second To Mars
I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created
And I swear to god
I will find myself
In the end
In the end
This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
(Can you tell yet that really like 30 Seconds To Mars & Stabbing Westward? :) )
Friday, March 5, 2010
Really Picking My Brain
I want to write alittle in here today. But I am having to really pick my brain. So this may seem scattered.
Steve and I butted heads about how I walked off for a second to go get something when I was trying to get his SSN from him for a form I had to fill out and then he did the same to me later. But I didn't say a word.
Then I feel like a heel cause I lost my patience with him at Wal Mart cause I couldn't find him. But then he was really sweet to me on the way home.
I guess it is to be expected for us to but heads.
Last night I bought Maddie a Lego set of Darth Vader's Tie-Fighter. But she probably won't get it till next week. My stupid ex promised to give he would give her a birthday party and buy her that set of Legos. And just like I thought, he didn't follow through. He has always been that way. What a jerk.
Tonight on our way home, Steve and I listened to Stabbing Westward. The main song that I wanted him to hear was "I Remember". Cause it just seems like it would be something that both of us feel about us and our past.
Something that I notice is that I always feel weird and empty when he I am not with him. Just like the song "Disappear" by Hoobastank. The part I am talking about is this:
"There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me"
And I think I will include the lyrics to the song "I Remember", and the video, too.
I Remember - Stabbing Westward
Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much
I am going to add in Hoobastank - The Reason also.
The Reason - Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Steve and I butted heads about how I walked off for a second to go get something when I was trying to get his SSN from him for a form I had to fill out and then he did the same to me later. But I didn't say a word.
Then I feel like a heel cause I lost my patience with him at Wal Mart cause I couldn't find him. But then he was really sweet to me on the way home.
I guess it is to be expected for us to but heads.
Last night I bought Maddie a Lego set of Darth Vader's Tie-Fighter. But she probably won't get it till next week. My stupid ex promised to give he would give her a birthday party and buy her that set of Legos. And just like I thought, he didn't follow through. He has always been that way. What a jerk.
Tonight on our way home, Steve and I listened to Stabbing Westward. The main song that I wanted him to hear was "I Remember". Cause it just seems like it would be something that both of us feel about us and our past.
Something that I notice is that I always feel weird and empty when he I am not with him. Just like the song "Disappear" by Hoobastank. The part I am talking about is this:
"There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment that you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me"
And I think I will include the lyrics to the song "I Remember", and the video, too.
I Remember - Stabbing Westward
Do you ever wonder where
We would be if we'd have tried
A little harder?
It seems like yesterday
That we were making plans
For the future
But it's been so long
Since I have known the truth
These dreams we've left abandoned
And I'm haunted by your face
And the memory of your kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time
These memories slip away
The ghost of what we were
Is fading
But there is no more pain
Which is funny 'cause that night
I was dying
Now I don't even recognize
The girl I swore that someday
I would marry
But I can't forget her face
And I can't forget her kisses
Sweet kisses
Do you remember?
I still can't forget your touch
Or how we swore that we would never be alone
Do you remember?
I still remember so much
I remember never feeling so alive
Do you remember?
'Cause I still can't forget your touch
We swore that we would never end
We knew our love transcended space and time
Do you remember?
God I remember so much
I am going to add in Hoobastank - The Reason also.
The Reason - Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
And the reason is you
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Figure This One Out :)
What a messed up day. I lost 40$, couldn't find anything I wanted then found some of the cd's I was looking for and they wanted an arm and a leg for it. And you can't just run around the corner and buy. OH NO! You have to go to B.F.E. just to buy ANYTHING!!!!!!!!
Sorry, I am a bit frazzled over many things. I hope that what I did for Steve will mean something to him. I'm afraid that he will think it is stupid.
I really should ad on here Wasted by Stabbing Westward. But I won't.
I don't know, I feel like I just lost interest in a lot of things.
I adore Steve for the patience he has with me and my moods. Cause when we got home tonight I was SO frazzled. And tomorrow he has to take me to the doctors so I feel pity for him because he has to wait.
I love him and appreciate him.
Anyway..... Here's some more songs that go along with my life and what's going on. I am leaving it a vague mystery cause I don't feel like explaining. The music will do it for me. :)
Brain Stew - Green Day
I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own... here we go
My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
f*cked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go
My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense's dulled
Passed the point of delerium
On my own... here we go
My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
f*cked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go
White Lightning - Def Leppard
No promises
No guarantees
When you come down here you're
Already on your knees
You wanna ride White Lightnin', then just sign your name
If you wanna dance with the devil, you gotta play his way
(Play the game)
You gotta taste that sweetness
'Cos you can't say no
But are you ready for the nightmare
When you can't let go
Like a soldier of fortune
When the money runs dry
You've got rivers of bitter tears
(In your eyes)
You wanna leave but you can't let go
You wanna stop but you can't say no
(You never laugh about it, you just can't live without it)
You've had enough but you just want more
You never get what you're looking for
(You never laugh about it)
You've got both ends burning
Like a moth to a flame
You're going off the rails
Like a runaway train
It's a no-win situation
And there's no way out
And no one will ever hear you - Scream and shout
Run - He's coming to claim you
Run - Nowhere to hide away
Run - You dance with danger
Run - Oh you gotta ride
The White Lightning - On a dead end street
White Lightning - Where the deadbeats meet
White Lightning - It's a one way ride
White Lightning - Oh, there's nowhere to hide
Such a lonely road you ride
It's not easy when you don't know why
Such a heavy load you hide
You never leave no matter how you try
Run - He's coming to claim you
Run - Nowhere to hide away
Run - You dance with danger
Run - Oh, you gotta ride
The White Lightning - On a dead end street
White Lightning - Where the deadbeats meet
White Lightning - It's a one-way ride
White Lightning - Oh there's nowhere to hide
(White Lightning)
Can you feel it? - Can you feel it?
(White Lightning)
It's so dangerous
(White Lightning)
No promises
No guarantees
(White Lighning)
When you come down here boy,
You're already on your knees
Blood Runs Cold lyrics - Def Leppard
I heard this line one time 'bout tryin' to save the world
But have you ever tried to save yourself
A wide-eyed suicide drive
Remains a fake
As if you'd ever
Ever go and make the same mistake
Strung out as the night comes crawlin'
Your halo of thorns is fallin'
Blood runs cold
I feel it in my bones
But you don't know your time is up
Blood runs cold
Somebody somewhere is screamin' out the words
But do they ever really ease the pain
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
This fall from grace
I see your face
It's over
[Repeat Chorus]
From you love was kind
Resolved left scarred and blind
Wasted and naked in the wings
Denying twist of fate
Demanding Heaven's gate
Lying in wait above the wind
Strung out as the night comes crawlin'
Your halo of thorns is fallin'
[Repeat Chorus]
Blood runs cold
Blood runs cold
Sorry, I am a bit frazzled over many things. I hope that what I did for Steve will mean something to him. I'm afraid that he will think it is stupid.
I really should ad on here Wasted by Stabbing Westward. But I won't.
I don't know, I feel like I just lost interest in a lot of things.
I adore Steve for the patience he has with me and my moods. Cause when we got home tonight I was SO frazzled. And tomorrow he has to take me to the doctors so I feel pity for him because he has to wait.
I love him and appreciate him.
Anyway..... Here's some more songs that go along with my life and what's going on. I am leaving it a vague mystery cause I don't feel like explaining. The music will do it for me. :)
Brain Stew - Green Day
I'm having trouble trying to sleep
I'm counting sheep but running out
As time ticks by
And still I try
No rest for crosstops in my mind
On my own... here we go
My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
f*cked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go
My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine
My sense's dulled
Passed the point of delerium
On my own... here we go
My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed
Dried up and bulging out my skull
My mouth is dry
My face is numb
f*cked up and spun out in my room
On my own... here we go
White Lightning - Def Leppard
No promises
No guarantees
When you come down here you're
Already on your knees
You wanna ride White Lightnin', then just sign your name
If you wanna dance with the devil, you gotta play his way
(Play the game)
You gotta taste that sweetness
'Cos you can't say no
But are you ready for the nightmare
When you can't let go
Like a soldier of fortune
When the money runs dry
You've got rivers of bitter tears
(In your eyes)
You wanna leave but you can't let go
You wanna stop but you can't say no
(You never laugh about it, you just can't live without it)
You've had enough but you just want more
You never get what you're looking for
(You never laugh about it)
You've got both ends burning
Like a moth to a flame
You're going off the rails
Like a runaway train
It's a no-win situation
And there's no way out
And no one will ever hear you - Scream and shout
Run - He's coming to claim you
Run - Nowhere to hide away
Run - You dance with danger
Run - Oh you gotta ride
The White Lightning - On a dead end street
White Lightning - Where the deadbeats meet
White Lightning - It's a one way ride
White Lightning - Oh, there's nowhere to hide
Such a lonely road you ride
It's not easy when you don't know why
Such a heavy load you hide
You never leave no matter how you try
Run - He's coming to claim you
Run - Nowhere to hide away
Run - You dance with danger
Run - Oh, you gotta ride
The White Lightning - On a dead end street
White Lightning - Where the deadbeats meet
White Lightning - It's a one-way ride
White Lightning - Oh there's nowhere to hide
(White Lightning)
Can you feel it? - Can you feel it?
(White Lightning)
It's so dangerous
(White Lightning)
No promises
No guarantees
(White Lighning)
When you come down here boy,
You're already on your knees
Blood Runs Cold lyrics - Def Leppard
I heard this line one time 'bout tryin' to save the world
But have you ever tried to save yourself
A wide-eyed suicide drive
Remains a fake
As if you'd ever
Ever go and make the same mistake
Strung out as the night comes crawlin'
Your halo of thorns is fallin'
Blood runs cold
I feel it in my bones
But you don't know your time is up
Blood runs cold
Somebody somewhere is screamin' out the words
But do they ever really ease the pain
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
This fall from grace
I see your face
It's over
[Repeat Chorus]
From you love was kind
Resolved left scarred and blind
Wasted and naked in the wings
Denying twist of fate
Demanding Heaven's gate
Lying in wait above the wind
Strung out as the night comes crawlin'
Your halo of thorns is fallin'
[Repeat Chorus]
Blood runs cold
Blood runs cold
Monday, March 1, 2010
I forgot to add something else for today......
I just remembered this song and it relates even more to what's going on than Life For Rent.
It is Drive by Incubus.
Drive - Incubus
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
It is Drive by Incubus.
Drive - Incubus
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
For Steve
(You Won't Ever Have To Say..) Goodbye
I've been waiting, goin' crazy
I can't sleep when I know you're not around
I've been saving what you're cravin'
Look at my face I'm about to replace
Every hurt, every tear that you cry
'Cause when you feel this strong and you can't go on
There's nothing wrong, just try to realize
You won't ever have to say goodbye
You won't ever have to say, "I've wasted all my time"
If the dream you dream ain't what it seems just look into my eyes
You won't ever have to say goodbye
I'm just praying, hear me saying
I'd be there if the sun refused to shine
As the night gets colder I will be your shoulder
I give you my heart until death us do part
Every day, every moment, forever
'Cause when the love is strong the feeling's never gone
There's nothing wrong in trying to realize
You won't ever have to say goodbye
You won't ever have to say, "I've wasted all my time"
If the dream you dream ain't what it seems just look into my eyes
You won't ever have to say goodbye
'Cause when your feeling's strong and you can't go on
There's nothing wrong, just try to realize
You won't ever have to say goodbye
You won't ever have to say, "I've wasted all my time"
If the dream you dream ain't what it seems just look into my eyes
You won't ever have to say goodbye
Two Steps Behind lyrics
Walk away if you want to
it's ok, if you need to
you can run, but you can never hide
See my shadow come creeping up beside you
There's a magic running through your soul
But you can't have it all
Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind you
Wherever you goand I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and I'll be two steps behind.
Take the time and think about it
Walk the line, you just can't fight it
Look around and see what you can find
Like a fire that's burning up inside me,
There's a magic running through your soul
But you can't have it all
Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind you
Wherever you goand I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and I'll be two steps behind.
(so watch out)There's a magic running through your soul
but you can't have it all, no,
Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind you
wherever you go and I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around and I'll be two steps behind.
Just turn around, I'll be two steps behind
I'll be two steps behind you and I'll be there to remind you
Promises - Def Leppard
Last night I was blown away
I said a million things I'd never say
I was knocked right down, it got to me
Gonna get me some of your chemistry
You want me to promise you
That everything is true
I won't make promises that I can't keep
I won't make promises that I don't mean
I'll even mean the things I tell you in my sleep, yeah
I won't make promises babe, that I can't keep
Oh my my, I lost control
I told you everything, I said it all
You came right out and said to me
"Gonna get me some of your honesty"
You want me to promise you
That everything is true
I won't make promises that I can't keep
I won't make promises that I don't mean
I'll even mean the things I tell you in my sleep, yeah
I won't make promises babe, that I can't keep
You want me to promise you
That everything is true
I won't make promises that I can't keep
I won't make promises that I don't mean
I'll even mean the things I whisper in my sleep
Oh, let me tell you
I won't say a single thing darling, that you can't believe
You gotta believe me
I won't make promises that I can't keep
Oh baby believe me now
I won't make promises that I don't mean
Oh why won't you believe me now
I'll even mean the things I whisper in my sleep, yeah
I won't make promises that I can't keep
Baby, you gotta believe me
The Nearness Of You - Norah Jones
It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It's just the nearness of you
When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you
I love you Steve
I've been waiting, goin' crazy
I can't sleep when I know you're not around
I've been saving what you're cravin'
Look at my face I'm about to replace
Every hurt, every tear that you cry
'Cause when you feel this strong and you can't go on
There's nothing wrong, just try to realize
You won't ever have to say goodbye
You won't ever have to say, "I've wasted all my time"
If the dream you dream ain't what it seems just look into my eyes
You won't ever have to say goodbye
I'm just praying, hear me saying
I'd be there if the sun refused to shine
As the night gets colder I will be your shoulder
I give you my heart until death us do part
Every day, every moment, forever
'Cause when the love is strong the feeling's never gone
There's nothing wrong in trying to realize
You won't ever have to say goodbye
You won't ever have to say, "I've wasted all my time"
If the dream you dream ain't what it seems just look into my eyes
You won't ever have to say goodbye
'Cause when your feeling's strong and you can't go on
There's nothing wrong, just try to realize
You won't ever have to say goodbye
You won't ever have to say, "I've wasted all my time"
If the dream you dream ain't what it seems just look into my eyes
You won't ever have to say goodbye
Two Steps Behind lyrics
Walk away if you want to
it's ok, if you need to
you can run, but you can never hide
See my shadow come creeping up beside you
There's a magic running through your soul
But you can't have it all
Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind you
Wherever you goand I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and I'll be two steps behind.
Take the time and think about it
Walk the line, you just can't fight it
Look around and see what you can find
Like a fire that's burning up inside me,
There's a magic running through your soul
But you can't have it all
Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind you
Wherever you goand I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and I'll be two steps behind.
(so watch out)There's a magic running through your soul
but you can't have it all, no,
Whatever you doI'll be two steps behind you
wherever you go and I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around and I'll be two steps behind.
Just turn around, I'll be two steps behind
I'll be two steps behind you and I'll be there to remind you
Promises - Def Leppard
Last night I was blown away
I said a million things I'd never say
I was knocked right down, it got to me
Gonna get me some of your chemistry
You want me to promise you
That everything is true
I won't make promises that I can't keep
I won't make promises that I don't mean
I'll even mean the things I tell you in my sleep, yeah
I won't make promises babe, that I can't keep
Oh my my, I lost control
I told you everything, I said it all
You came right out and said to me
"Gonna get me some of your honesty"
You want me to promise you
That everything is true
I won't make promises that I can't keep
I won't make promises that I don't mean
I'll even mean the things I tell you in my sleep, yeah
I won't make promises babe, that I can't keep
You want me to promise you
That everything is true
I won't make promises that I can't keep
I won't make promises that I don't mean
I'll even mean the things I whisper in my sleep
Oh, let me tell you
I won't say a single thing darling, that you can't believe
You gotta believe me
I won't make promises that I can't keep
Oh baby believe me now
I won't make promises that I don't mean
Oh why won't you believe me now
I'll even mean the things I whisper in my sleep, yeah
I won't make promises that I can't keep
Baby, you gotta believe me
The Nearness Of You - Norah Jones
It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me, oh no
It's just the nearness of you
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation, oh no
It's just the nearness of you
When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams come true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you'll only grant me the right
To hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night the nearness of you
I love you Steve
Life For Rent
It's another day and still the questions remain.
Maybe it's all just in my head. I just feel that there is something that just isn't quite right or else maybe commication is breaking down. I don't know.
Maybe I said something or did something that offended him. I don't know.
Then I need to get on taking care of food stamps AND housing. The whole housing thing got dropped after we got back from Mexico a month ago. FREAK! A whole month!
Anyway..... I put this video of the song Life For Rent by Dido on here because it rings true for me. I really haven't done much in my life. And I am 33. There is another song I can think of that sums it up. It's by Stabbing Westward, it says "When I reach the end, will anything I've done mean anything...." Sometimes I really wonder that.
Then Steve told me that he is afraid of me leaving him so I found the perfect song for him. No getting him to read it (the lyrics) and listen to the song is going to be a big feat all in itself.
I guess I have been a bit cold myself lately.
Then my friggin ex promises our daughter a birthday party and to get her the Star Wars Lego set of Darth Vader's Tie Fighter and he didn't come through with it. As I thought would happen. He has always been that way. (Chris, my ex.) All talk, no show. That is why I get nervous when people start making promises to me. So I guess he ruined me in a way. But anyway.....
I need to quit staying up so late cause nothing is getting done. I think that's been bugging me too. I'm sure it's buggin Steve.
Me and him need to talk. And I need to open up a little more and quit being such a butthead.
Maybe it's all just in my head. I just feel that there is something that just isn't quite right or else maybe commication is breaking down. I don't know.
Maybe I said something or did something that offended him. I don't know.
Then I need to get on taking care of food stamps AND housing. The whole housing thing got dropped after we got back from Mexico a month ago. FREAK! A whole month!
Anyway..... I put this video of the song Life For Rent by Dido on here because it rings true for me. I really haven't done much in my life. And I am 33. There is another song I can think of that sums it up. It's by Stabbing Westward, it says "When I reach the end, will anything I've done mean anything...." Sometimes I really wonder that.
Then Steve told me that he is afraid of me leaving him so I found the perfect song for him. No getting him to read it (the lyrics) and listen to the song is going to be a big feat all in itself.
I guess I have been a bit cold myself lately.
Then my friggin ex promises our daughter a birthday party and to get her the Star Wars Lego set of Darth Vader's Tie Fighter and he didn't come through with it. As I thought would happen. He has always been that way. (Chris, my ex.) All talk, no show. That is why I get nervous when people start making promises to me. So I guess he ruined me in a way. But anyway.....
I need to quit staying up so late cause nothing is getting done. I think that's been bugging me too. I'm sure it's buggin Steve.
Me and him need to talk. And I need to open up a little more and quit being such a butthead.
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