You'd Think I would Have Learned By Now.........

Last night it was my turn for T.M.I.
I told Steve about the guys I was seeing when we weren't talking and gave him the full picture of what I meant earlier in my blog about being a tramp.
Well, that flew like a rock. :(
So I hurt him again.
I have been aching inside all day because of it. I didn't want him to see me crying so when we went to the store i took off on my own to cry. I am trying to be happy and act like as if everything is alright. Everything is NOT alright! I hurt him......... AGAIN!
I should have just taken that stuff to my grave with me. Once again, telling the truth bites me in the butt.
I felt so ashamed and guilty that I couldn't even bring myself to wear my engagment ring nor the other ring that I have that matches his. They were in my pocket all day. :(
He is just another person added to the long list of people I have hurt and or damaged.
Stabbing Westward said it best, "I die inside when I think of all the people I have damaged....."
He's pulled back from me somewhat. I can tell, even though he says he hasn't.
I hate the truth sometimes. Why does it always have to hurt?
I mean, at the time, back in 2008; Steve and I weren't talking. I had no idea how he felt about me. In my book we were over. So i dated. But i was jaded and approached it with spite and bitterness. I was in hell at the time. I was drinking way heavily, popping pills, sleeping around, feeling suicidal, still bingging (sp?) and purging. I was seriously messed up and hated the world and wanted the world to be as cold and as empty I was.
I am not proud of all the damage i have done to not only Steve, but to everyone else that I care for.
When is it ever going to stop? When will I finally get my act together and quit hurting those i love?
So here is the song; and lesson, for today. Learn it, live it. Trust me!

Policy Of Truth - Depeche Mode

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you?
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through

It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilized
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied

It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Now you're standing there tongue tied
You better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell

You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before