Friggin Mall & Clothes Shopping

Today I ended up going with Steve to do some more clothes shopping. First off I can't just go an browse through some department store for clothes when the prices are high and I am short on money. THAT bugs the living crap out of me.
Then throw in with it the fact that lately I am stuck on wanted new CD's. New music. So I really wasn't into looking at clothes anyway. But i did cause Steve asked me to atleast look so I did. I choked when I saw a tank top priced at 28$! I forgot how pricey things can be. Maybe i am just noticing now because I have to pay for it.
But that doesn't stop me from buying cd's lately. I am just sick of the same old thing. And there are times, like today, when I need to heard some music that recognizes the pain in me. Like it says in the song "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve.
That is why I am listening to Depeche Mode - Playing The Angel right now.
That and songs like Unwell, Drive, Blood Runs Cold.... etc..
Tonight I got torked when Steve took off and left me in the store. We had a miscommunication on where he was going, and he thought that I was going to stay in that store and look around some more, but truth was, was that was WAY BURNT OUT on looking for clothes. So I wanted to find F.Y.E. and get some more cd's. So I went out into the mall thinking I would find him and lo and behold..... NO STEVE! I freaked cause I was in this big mall and had no idea where he was. So I spazzed, sent him a freaked-out text, and went looking for a directory to tell me where I would find F.Y.E.
Well, I found one. AND NO F.Y.E.! No music stores - PERIOD! (What a rip-off....)
We worked things out, and I just met him back at the car, cause he had actually gone OUTSIDE of the mall and then went back in to find me. What a mess. I hate malls >:(
Then I call home and first off I find out that Maddie knew what I was getting her because my Mom told her that i bought her the Tie-Fighter that he stupid father failed to pull through on, and she had been really upset about that. But she was happy cause she knew I was sending it to her. (I want to kick my ex so d*mn bad because of that.)
Then my Mom tells me that she has been in the ICU in the hospital for the past couple of days. Because they found some problems with her heart. It upsets me because my Dad died of heart realated problems and I DON'T want to go through that again.
I think that is why I keep myself distant from people to a certain extent.
This will sum it up:

"Tomorrow came too soon
I barely made it through today
Still empty inside
I guess nothing's really changed
I'm still afraid to feel
'Cause I cannot take the pain
I'm still afraid to feel
Afraid to lose someone again
I wish that somehow
I could leave
My past behind
My fears behind...."

I am afraid to lose people. I can't stand that pain. Maybe that's why I act like a butt to Steve sometimes. I don't know.
Now I am worried about my Mom, Maddie; and pissed at my ex for ONCE AGAIN breaking a promise. Yeah, he use to do that to me all that time. But it's another thing when he does it to Maddie. That is MY daughter that he is hurting.
I just don't have patience for anything lately. Everything is just wearing on me and with somethings I don't know what to even think about it anymore. I am done with guessing.
I think I will just sum up the rest of my ranting with a song. It works.

Crushing Me - Stabbing Westward

I'm feeling the weight of the world and
It's crushing me
I'm feeling the weight of everyday life
And it's crushing me
How much more will it take?
How much more until it breaks me?
This world...is crushing me
I'm feeling the hate of the world and it's crashing me
I'm feeling the hate of everyday life
And it's crushing me
I swallow the hate, betrayed and lies
Swallow it whole and shove it deep down inside of me
I'm feeling the weight of the world and it's crushing me

How much more will it take?
How much more until it breaks me?
This world is crushing me



The Story - 30 Second To Mars

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be
I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be
I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created
I created

And I swear to god
I will find myself
In the end

In the end

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created



(Can you tell yet that really like 30 Seconds To Mars & Stabbing Westward? :) )